Seeking Approval #08: Releasing Self-limiting Beliefs Around Creativity
Lessons learned from a year of struggling to write. Plus, what to wear to stay cool and protected during these balmy days.
Here, wearing a Faherty camisole, Athleta pants, Supima bag, plus my WSJ cap (my go-to on sunny days until I find the ideal floppy hat), Burberry sunglasses, Yeti tumbler and Davek parasol.
It is incredibly humbling to realize you just don’t have the knowledge or skills to do what you want in life. A little over a year ago, I set a goal to have at least one fashion article published outside my weekly newsletter. Twelve months later, not only did I not meet my goal, but I hardly even pitched while struggling to keep up with writing on this platform, the thing I thought had become like second nature to me.
Was it a lack of drive? A declining interest in feature journalism? Shallow motivation in the form of writing to not be considered “out”? The simplest answer is usually the right one: Lack of confidence.
For the last couple years I have carried around a low-level shame around my lack of writing experience. I look at my peers who have dozens of articles published by major platforms and a string of limiting beliefs flow through my brain:
What is their formula?
Why didn’t I study journalism like they did?
Was that one article I published years ago just luck?
Did I miss my chance?
Why can’t I just pitch a few ideas a week?
Maybe I’m just not cut out for this.
I would begin research for fashion stories and freeze under the weight of these thoughts. Then, my client was re-arrested.
I will admit boho is not my favorite style…but I was gifted this dress and it has really come in handy on hot days when I’m in a rush. Up top: Wearing a Natural Life dress and OluKai slides holding my Davek parasol. Below: Same dress, Supima bag, Goldstories pendant, Burberry sunglasses, Able ring and earrings, plus an heirloom ring and, of course, my WSJ hat.
There are moments when you realize you have been bullying yourself into living a life you don’t want, and that you are the only one holding yourself back. Learning that someone who I cared about deeply, who was smart, kind and going places, was incarcerated on Rikers Island was a reminder that talent gets discarded every day. Not necessarily by conscious choice, but by a series of small beliefs and systems that lead us down a path that keeps us stuck or worse, sends us into a regression.
My problem, on the other hand, was clear and solvable: I am not a confident writer, yet. I discovered my love of writing by accident at 26, and now, at 29 I have the opportunity to re-commit. Not to perfection, but to learning.
Pictured in the center with one of my talented writer friends who constantly motivates me. Here, Uniqlo bra top (similar) and jacket (similar), Merlette skirt, Able rings and earrings, Goldstories pendant, Burberry sunglasses, Rothy’s shoes, Scuddles picnic blanket unfortunately bought on Amazon, Supima bag with my little Davek parasol sticking out!
The other day I told my mom, an accomplished writer in her own right, I didn’t want to be “one of those writers who just talks about having mental health problems.” She responded with a resounding, “Oh, yeah, that’s been done before.” Recently, I have caught myself romanticizing the lives of celebrated poets and authors like Austrian novelist Ingeborg Bachmann and American icon Sylvia Plath, who were known not only for their written works, but for their (short) lifelong struggles with mental health. In moments of deep despair I think: This is it. This is life. Maybe a little crazy is part of the deal. I am experiencing the depth of feeling required to make meaningful art, so in a way this pain in productive.
But stirring internally can only take you so far, and without discipline, humility and effort, talent can evaporate as quickly as it appears. Have I made an effort to learn craft? No. Have I made meaning out of my experiences, or am I waiting for meaning to arise on its own? Sometimes the answer is not to simmer beneath your own suffering or attempt to embody the qualities of your favorite artist. Instead, the answer is to be honest with yourself about how you are spending your time and whether it is moving you toward the life you say you want. As American author Annie Dillard so eloquently put it, “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” Bachmann, who died by accident after smoking in bed, and Plath, who tragically ended her life around my age, have enviable recognition, sure. But while I live to write, I don’t want to die for it.
Above: My favorite read so far this year, ‘Malina’ by Ingeborg Bachmann. Below: Reading ‘Lord of the Flies’ by William Golding while wearing an I.N.C. International Concepts jacket (similar), unlabeled pajama pants I believe belonged to my late grandpa, plus a Wild Nothing T-shirt.
After finally admitting to myself I simply didn’t have the confidence to move forward in the way I wanted, the next step became clear. It is time to get out of my head and out of my own way. This summer I will be taking two writing courses to learn practical skills, craft and to connect with other writers. Meeting new people and entering new spaces can prove a very useful way to lift myself out of stagnation!
What say you about fashion, you ask? Well, I have been knee-deep in outfit repetition and prioritizing sun-protection over everything. A few looks I have worn recently:
Above: Faherty camisole, Uniqlo cargo pants (similar), Rothy’s shoes, Supima bag, Able accessories (throughout), Goldstories pendant (throughout) and Scuddles picnic blanket. Middle: In a 1960s shirt purchased in New Paltz, Athleta pants, same shoes, Yeti tumbler, Supima bag, WSJ cap and Burberry sunglasses. Below: Perfect White Tee shirt, Merlette skirt, same accessories, plus a Starbucks cup and Davek parasol. Last: Cos tank with a ME+EM corduroy jacket that was honestly too warm, Madewell jeans, Alterre shoes, Gucci bag, Hair Free Girl wooden earrings and the same pendant.
As for my goal of getting a new fashion story published outside this platform? Well, it is still a goal of mine. I have also had enough false starts to know when it’s time to put my energy elsewhere. I am heeding the warning from the universe that if I continue trying to force something that may or may not come in its own time, I could spend another year staring at a blank pitch document in my Google Drive.
Whether I eventually get there or have completely different priorities by the end of my two courses this summer (which aren’t on feature writing) is an uncertainty I am learning to sit with.
Here, the Supima bag that has been my go-to this season. It is deep enough to carry a laptop and several books, and the straps are long enough to sling over my shoulder.
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With that, thank you so much for being here. One of the honors of my life is knowing even a handful of people take time out of their day to read what I have to say. I love hearing from you, so always feel free to contact me. Regardless, I hope to see you next week. x
Yours Truly,
Kyoko
I am not compensated for the features listed in All-Year Season. My sincerest thank you to Goldstories, Uniqlo, Merlette and Alterre for supporting the creation of this post.
