Seeking Approval: Imposter Syndrome in Media & Fashion
The need for approval and external validation can be hard to shake. Here, some of my experiences.
A shot from one of my “failed” solo photoshoots, ha! Scanlan Theodore scarf and trousers. My trusty LouLou Studio blazer and Tod’s sneakers. The T-shirt was a gift from my sweet Mom. The tag says Gildan. The sun looks like the Headspace face, right?
In 2018 I was working as an intern at Boston Neighborhood Network, a community-access broadcasting non-profit where I was a production assistant, or PA. After another day of micing-up guests, breaking down sets and washing mugs, a host who was known for her particularly crotchety demeanor said to me, “You’re in the right industry. What do you want to do?”
I couldn’t help but be positively elated by her approval. I responded with something like, “I really love T.V. I’d like to host a show one day.” Truthfully, at that point I hadn’t had the courage to dream about what exactly I wanted to do in the media, but I wanted to look like I had a plan.
There was something about getting the approval of the person who “didn’t like anyone.” The person who was rude and ignored people. It fortified me. At the same time, I hated that the biggest confidence boost I’d felt in that job was from receiving a compliment from someone who treated everyone like they didn’t matter as much as she did. What did it say about me that her approval seemed to validate my right to not only be at BNN, but in the media as a whole?
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We’re often told the opportunities to do what we love are so slim that we just have to go where there’s space for us. We go where we’ll get experience, whether the job is paid or not. In that way, the industry often eliminates those without the time or means to work for free and get their foot in the door. When we get a shot we rightfully feel fortunate to be given a chance over those myriad others who won’t be.
I soothe my imposter syndrome with a healthy caffeine addiction. Taken after my solo shoot in the park.
I’ve been a PA on shows including Life Matters (you can guess what it was about), where the host ignored me until he warmed up enough for the ocassional come on. Another time I PA’d at a network station that had notoriously racist cartoons splattered across a wall.
Now, I’m not saying woe is me. I valued those experiences for teaching me to see the work as work. To be professional even when I disagreed with the host or the network. I figured one day I would have the agency to support the stories I cared about, too.
But sometimes under the surface we’ve internalized the idea that we’re still just so lucky to be here. So lucky that anything goes from the people around us. We inadvertently end up hoping the person who approves of no one will somehow approve of us.
A Free People (Beach) dress and my LouLou Studio blazer, of course. The house shoes are Oofos. I had these ones before they broke. Would still recommend! I just wore them to death.
So fast-forward to 2024. I have only just begun to feel comfortable taking my camera and tripod out in public to shoot by myself. It was around 10:30 a.m. on a Monday when I hit the streets to source some new locations and shoot around.
I was only a block from my apartment when I stumbled across a beautiful building that had a spiral staircase cascading down its front. It reminded me of the one in my old Boston apartment from college. I stopped to admire the way the light bounced off its corners, peaking through my lens to observe. A woman emerged from the street, finger in the air and shouting, “Why are you taking pictures of my building?!”
Oh brother. Here we go.
After a few failed attempts to assure her I hadn’t snapped any photos she demanded to see my camera, continuing to insist she knew what she saw. She told me that when I crossed the street I was on her property. That she owned the sidewalk. That I should take a look at her deed and that I wasn’t allowed to take pictures here. Wow. I had found myself in a classic “Karen” moment. Her small, frail body blocked the sunlight that had warmed the building behind her moments ago.
At the time it was hard not to attempt to defend my honor by giving her a detailed description of “how I work.” Despite the woman being a stranger who had totally accosted me, a small part of me wanted to prove myself to her. To prove that I was professional. That I was mindful about the locations I shot in and that preserving others’ privacy was always top of mind. My long list of criteria for protecting someone’s privacy flowed through my mind. Was I trying to prove to myself that I hadn’t done anything to deserve this? That I had a right to be here? Fortunately, in the end, I knew I didn’t owe her sh*t and I kept my list to myself.
Excuse me.
This brings me back to the standoffish host who gave me one compliment I couldn’t help but get giddy over, or the Life Matters host who I resented on every level, but almost wanted attention from once I got a bit. Even typing that puts a bad taste in my mouth! All these characters brought up similar feelings of wanting to prove myself. Of all the people whose opinions I could care about, these people? What is wrong with me?!?!
Well, because I’m just lucky to be here.
There’s something about the silhouette of a long dress or skirt with a blazer…It’s powerful and delicate at the same time!
This mindset keeps so much of us stuck serving others in the hopes that they will eventually validate our talent or our right to be in the room. It’s imposter syndrome in a nutshell. Maybe I don’t deserve to be here. Maybe I have nothing to offer. Maybe they are right to ignore me. To yell at me. To flirt as a way to tell me I’m worthy of taking up space.
The point? We are lucky to be here, but we are also deserving of where we are and where we go. I talked a lot about my early days in T.V. production in this post, but this applies to fashion too. Despite the way the industry likes to present things (exclusive, glamorous, etc.), in practice there can be so much imposter syndrome in one room it becomes unclear who should be sucking up to who. In the end, we give our power away when we let a colleague, acquaintance or random stranger determine our worthiness.
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With that, thank you so much for being here. We have a solid little group of subscribers here. I'm trying a few different types of posts: styling tips, reviewing collections/events, story-time, etc. What do you want to see? What would be valuable to you? I would love to hear from you. :)
Next week is part one of two about what I saw at New York Fashion Week this season. More specifically, I will be highlighting some of the designers I met at Black in Fashion Council, and their collections. Maybe I’ll attempt to recreate some looks, too. I’m excited to get back to the FASHION of it all. I hope to see you there!
Yours Truly,
Kyoko
